Postpartum Depression is something that I’ve always heard about but never once thought it could happen to me. NO, NOT ME. I’m stronger than that. I have such a good support team. I’m such an easy-going person. I have so much to be grateful for. Depression? NOPE, NOT ME.

Guess what?…YES! 

I am among those that experienced the unsettling, life-disrupting feeling of postpartum depression and IT lasted for a few months, YES MONTHS. 

It Shocked ME too when I finally realized it and admitted it to myself.

On the outside, I tried to hide it. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I certainly didn’t want to alarm anyone about my feelings. I’ve always kept the persona that I AM STRONG. I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING. YEP, I’M Smiling through it all. I’LL BE FINE! 

I started feeling like the side-effects of a challenging time and a trying experience.

My go to answer was… I’m FINE even though the questions I was answering were so grim.

Just LOST your first child? I’M FINE.

Been through a potentially fatal situation? I’M FINE.

Had your world turned upside down in a matter of hours? I’M FINE.

Just experiencing the worst situation of your life? I’M FINE.

Feeling like you don’t have the strength to LIVE the life that you were used to? I’M FINE.

Just Coming out of a tragically life-altering situation? I’M FINE!

That’s what I told other people. Even alone, I could hear myself screaming that answer to myself, inside my head.  I wanted everyone else to think that, To Believe that I WAS FINE. 

God forbid anything like telling anyone that cared about me. I didn’t want them to worry. After all, they had their own life and situations going on. No need to worry about ME.

So… I isolated myself, MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY!

PHYSICALLY, I was still present. I tuned out my emotions. I focused on other things. I pushed my true feelings to the back of my mind, and tried to pretend like they were not there. At night I would cry. In the bathroom, I would cry. Anytime I found myself alone, and away from everyone else, the waterworks would begin. Yes, I cried silently, tried not to whimper too loudly, so no one else would be alarmed. If ever anyone asked me anything about my well-being, I knew how to answer the questions, I knew when to force myself to chuckle.

Then one day, my façade faded. And I broke down. LITERALLY.

I forced myself to look in the mirror and admit that I was broken on the inside.

I forced myself to admit that I was not FINE. In actuality, I was HURT. I was MAD. I was DEPRESSED and down-right a MESS.

I allowed myself to feel my knees buckling again (not once but twice) as I walked back to my seat after throwing dirt into my firstborn child’s grave,  as my husband struggled to hold me up even though he was undoubtedly hurting himself.

I allowed myself to admit that my life had changed forever the moment she took her last breath.

I allowed my silent cries to flow until they turned into an all out wailing session.

SAD does not come close to describing the emotion.

Devastated is a little better.

But I know that true healing and mending of the heart cannot occur in a place of denial.

I realized that to truly live my new Life, because nothing was ever going to be the same again, I really had to LIVE MY TRUTH, no matter the amount of pain.

And PAINFUL IT WAS, and Still IS.

YES I have moments when something triggers a memory of my first love, my first born and I Cry.

And Now I’ve really come to accept the fact that it’s part of my story. Feeling the way I feel whenever I feel it. I know that it is ok. It is not something I should hide, or be afraid of or keep a secret from my loved ones.

It’s ok to accept help, whether professionally or just leaning on a friend.

It’s ok to admit that everything IS NOT ALWAYS Alright! It’s ok to accept the truth that my life will never and can never be the way it once was.

Now, That’s FINE!

That is how I brought myself back out of a dark place.

I did it by admitting my truth to myself and giving myself the permission to be human, EMOTIONS and ALL.

Postpartum Depression has many faces. For me it was grieving my loss, in addition to all the hormonal changes that were going on in my body. The confusion of a life that I no longer recognized, in addition to feeling pressured to go back to the life I once lived. From the hospital staff that wanted to discharge me the same day I birthed and lost my child, to the work that awaited me upon my return, I felt as though time and everyone around me moved on while I stood still, alone, trapped in my feelings, and carrying the burden and consequences of my unimaginable circumstances.

The fact is, I knew that my life had changed forever, and that I could never be the same person again, yet I struggled with admitting it to myself, partially because I still wished that I would one day wake up from the LONGEST NIGHTMARE OF MY LIFE. I wanted so badly to believe that I was having an out of body experience, that I was watching a terrible movie with the saddest ending. I didn’t want to believe that It Could Happen To ME and that it actually had already happened to me, and that I was now in the Aftermath.

BUT…Eventually, I could no longer live in my imagination, in a world that I created to shelter and protect me from my true emotions. I had to face everything head-on, in order to move through it. Truth is, I’m still taking baby steps in that direction. I look at it as a forever journey. Although I often hear that time heals all wounds, I would venture to say that when it comes to this type of wound, time acts more like ice, it numbs it and makes the pain a little more bearable and once it melts, (something triggers the memory), you have to look for more ice (talk to a professional or use a coping mechanism).

So…

Whether you have had a live birth or have experienced the unfortunate lost of a child, POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION  COULD HAPPEN TO YOU TOO and your experience may be different from mine, in the way it manifests. What is important is that you recognize it for what it is and find a way of dealing with it that is healthy and that works for you.

If you need support, there are several resources available and I have some listed on the website here.

Check them out. Reach out to someone you trust. And remember, YOU Are Not ALONE!

As always, feel free to leave me any feedback or comments