Confidence is a must have, but before we begin the conversation, let’s make sure that we are all on the same page of what we mean by confidence.

According to Merriam Webster dictionary, CONFIDENCE is 

• A feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances.
• Faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper or effective way
• The quality or state of being certain

I really want to discuss the importance of mothers having confidence in ourselves as a total package.  So whether we are talking about our capabilities when it comes to our professional work, our role in the family, or even our physical appearances, I believe that CONFIDENCE IS A MUST HAVE.

In all these areas, it is very easy to plunge into negative thinking. Feelings of failing at everything. Feeling like we are not good enough. Guilty of  constantly looking at others and comparing our own situations to the final product that others publicly display. In the process, we completely disregard the behind the scenes events that they don’t show us and take the polished informatiobdiscredit our history and challenges.

At work, we get bogged down by the “imposter syndrome;” wanting to believe that we do not belong when in fact it was our accomplishments and track record that got us there in the first place.

I am certainly guilty of not having enough confidence. I am guilty of not believing in myself.

No matter how many struggles I have overcome, each new one feels like the first time. The first time I have to fight for what I want (figuratively speaking of course; I’m definitely not running around throwing bows). The first time I have to figure it out. The first time somebody said something negative about me. It feels like the first time, EVERY-SINGLE-TIME.

Lacking self-confidence is not good. In psychology, it is commonly referred to as low self-esteem.

It is a symptom of more than one mental disorder and can contribute to many unwanted outcomes including: anxiety, bad relationships, depression, and dependence on substance.

It can result in a cycle of negative self-thought. Even when you know that the odds are in your favor, you still question, panic and worry about the outcome. You start to believe that you are undeserving of the good things that happen in your life, the things you’ve worked tirelessly for.

When thinking of the many roles that I play, including the one of mother, this applies as well.

I often tell myself that I will not be getting the “mother of the year award.” A completely made-up award in my head; but who knows, maybe someone, somewhere actually hands out those awards. But, I’ll never find out because I’m perfectly fine with people not judging my efforts in a role that I was thrown into without training or at least a manual to read. A role that things change by the second, with so many determining factors.

Still…

I find myself feeling bad when something doesn’t go quite the way I planned it or when my children are “just being kids,” yet, I interpret that as my being a failure.

In a professional setting, an outside-the-home work environment, the low-confidence shows up in different ways. Even when my track record has shown that I’m above average in a particular area, I sometimes find my mind filled with doubts and feelings of less-than. I notice it most during times when an assessment of my work is looming or a progress report has to be filled out. It also weighs on me when I know that I am being monitored closely for reasons that fall under discrimination laws and policies, simply because very few people from my background or ethnicity are included in my field. It is not uncommon to be the only one from my background in a room full of people. In these situations, I automatically give off the oddball vibes, because well…I’m usually the oddball.

Situations like this do not add to one’s confidence level and certainly doesn’t add to one’s comfort level either. I don’t think it is a stretch to say that comfort is related to confidence and an uncomfortable situation makes it real hard for one to exude confidence.

It is a well-known fact that thoughts lead to action. Therefore, when negative thoughts consume the mind, it can inevitably affect one’s actions or reaction. Why? Because, the mind controls your action. At that point, the battle in the mind has been won by the negative thoughts or ideals; thus creating an unwanted reality that in turn confirms the negative feelings. Further decreasing self-confidence and fueling the terrible cycle.

Therefore, oftentimes, I go out of my way to protect my mind. I may walk away from toxic conversations. I may not attend certain events. I may stay away from certain media outlets. I may talk to certain people only when absolutely necessary.

I work hard to shield my mind from negativity.

I seek positive things in many different forms including: books, people, podcasts or songs. I try to focus on the positive of all situations. I look for the good in things no matter how hidden it may seem. I find that, if I search long and hard enough, I can usually always find something good to focus on. I try not to let my work, define my self-worth. And I try not to let the words of others, determine my own opinions of myself.

I mediate to stay in tune with my current state of mind. I look for flags that alert me that I’m heading in a bad direction.

I do this for myself. However, I realize that confidence is something that can be picked up by others as either positive energy or negative energy. I am conscious of it and I try to pass good vibes to others, especially my children and loved ones.

It is important that we are our number one advocates, looking out for ourselves. It is so easy to be our own worst enemy and I believe that we set an example for others on how they should treat us. So, we need to treat ourselves better, and part of that is believing in ourselves and having a high self-esteem.

It’s ok to believe in ourselves so much that the opinions of others don’t serve as validation in our life for anything. It’s ok to trust our instincts so much that we always end up having peace of mind over a situation.

However, I’m not saying believe in yourself without a valid reason. Like you think you can fly a plane having never taken a single flight course yet you strongly believe you can will the plane to go. Sorry, it doesn’t work like that. No magic tricks, no miracles to perform.

I mean, based on your experiences, your efforts, your insight of your capabilities, which is needed for things like how fast you can learn a new skill, you should totally be your number one supporter.

We do such a great job of tearing ourselves down…Oh, I can’t do this,… I’m not good enough,….this person is better,… that person deserves it more than me …

Yet, that is not always the case. 

I want us to start patting our own selves on the back. I want us to stand in the mirror and high-five ourselves because we now know that it is ok and totally necessary. If we can just identify one skill, or characteristics that we like about ourselves a day, then we’ll be on a good track to changing our negative beliefs and thinking more positively.

Because at the end of the day, we can do anything we put our minds to, we just have to decide what and then go after it.

With that, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational poems that I’m eternally grateful to one of my friends for sharing with me.