Today, I remember you, my baby, my strong beautiful flower.  You taught me so much in such a short time.  One real important lesson you taught me was to never waste time.  To never put anything off until tomorrow when it is strongly on my mind today.  You taught me to do it now, while I have the feeling.  Don’t wait even a second because it may lead to my missing something.  You taught me to act in the moment and to enjoy being present, to experience it all. 

I was not even six months pregnant but I had the strong urge to take pregnancy pictures.  I wanted to start documenting our journey together with you in my womb.

1^st up, 5 months pictures! I couldn’t wait.

My baby bump was just really beginning to show. I was so excited, I took pictures but still wanted more.  My wonderful photographer said, there are good, we’ll get more next time.

But…

Next time never came.

The night before month 6, you officially began your journey unbeknownst to me.

I thought that maybe I had bad gas because it was my first time.

 I didn’t understand labor pains or really know about the cramps.

You had already begun to make your journey into this world, leaving your comfy home in my womb.  It was unexpected, but it was what was pre-destined for you and me.

I quickly went from Mummy-To-Be to Oh No, IT Can’t Be!

I was in disbelief. Having a true out of body experience.

Shocked was not even the word, but it sure wasn’t the horrible dream I wanted it to be.

That night I was afraid to go home. The nurse told me we are working on your release papers and I said, please, NO.  I need to stay another night, so they gave me 1 more.

My body woke me up at the same time it all started the night before.  A cruel reminder of what was no longer true for me.  Forcing me to face the truth of my new reality.

Like the night before, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, but this time was different. I was afraid.

I was afraid to get up to go pee because the last time I did that, I was rushed to the hospital because it became an emergency.

Realizing where I was, I broke down. I wailed so loudly that the nurses down the hall came to see how I was doing.

And how was I doing? How could I be doing?

My husband gave them a response…”she woke up at the same time as she did yesterday when it all started and she’s reliving it all over.  She’s taking it hard but she’ll be okay.”

[In my mind…okay, I thought, guess he’s right. But the reality of the moment was not okay, it definitely was not my favorite word. I had no words. All I had were streaming tears, unending wails, and bloody clothes in a corner]

I was hurting all over, my head, my heart, the reality of that night.

I wanted to rewind the time. I was thinking, maybe if I had just held my pee, because I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t something I had done.

I was thinking it was entirely my fault; if I hadn’t gone to the bathroom, then you would have still been in my womb.

It didn’t matter what anyone said, my mind kept everything on replay.

With each repetition, I wondered what would have happened if I had done this or that differently.

I did that with every event of that day and the days leading up to it.

In the end, I had to accept the fact that what was done could not be undone.

Also, that it didn’t matter either way because the fact was, that You Were Gone.

So, today, I remember you, my little one, my strong, beautiful flower, the one that made me a mother.

Though I hurt all the time, know that I am at peace with your being gone,

You gave me the happiest of endings, given the situation.

I remember you today, your birth, and your death.

An anniversary and memorial all wrapped up in one day.

Rest well! Rest Easy!

Not sure if growing up still happens where you are, but if it does, I hope that you are exactly where you need to be, reaching all your milestones, learning, being free.

Rest easy my angel!

Mummy Loves You Forever!!